Remember that blog about a newlywed couple that was just trying to figure it out? Well it turns out that only one of them was trying to figure it out, and the other one just wanted to pack up half of the apartment and bank account, and leave. Fun times for all involved, but especially me, the apparent non-showerer mentioned below.
Pardon my aside, but I bring this to your attention in order to help you by bringing you a top 10 list of things not to do if you want a marriage to last. So without further adue, here are some things that are helpful when planning to stay in a long lasting relationship, such as marriage.
- Stay Married.
Now, I know this sounds simple, but for some it is not. Remember, on the wedding day you said "I do." - Realize what you are getting into.
Marriage is a big responsibility. Lines such as, "Well I didn't know the commitment I was getting into," usually don't sound feasible considering there is a state sponsored document saying you did. - Don't withhold sex.
Now this one sounds simple, but let's delve a bit deeper. If your current fiance has voiced that sex is a rather important part of his life, it may behoove the soon-to-be-hooved to understand sex should be a big part of their marriage. Even if your significant other was nice to you the entire day but forgot to do that one thing you asked, they are probably still deserving of it if it is important to them. Crying because you'd rather be at your brother's house, or because you don't know your body well enough to know what you want are generally not a fun part of the sexual relationship. Also not giving sex for 3-5 months at a time is generally not encouraged either, especially in marriages that last roughly a year. - Communicate.
No one is a mind reader. Can you tell me what this next sentence is going to say? If you can, then you... well you're a douche and no one likes you so marriage won't be a problem now will it? If you can't tell me what the next sentence is going to say, then that is a perfect example of why communication is important. If your significant other doesn't know that you like spending every waking minute either on the phone complaining to your mom about the marriage, or spending time at your brother's house for WTF knows what, then you should probably communicate that to them. - Pretend to care about your significant other's family, and interests.
Generally falling asleep on the couch is discouraged during visits to your significant other's family. This is especially true if you have the habit of generally not caring and sleeping during every visit to your significant other's family. Also taking advantage of them is generally discouraged. For example, if you know your spouse's family is planning a 3 week Mediterranean cruise, why not let them know in advance that you won't be attending said cruise because you have been busy for the past 5 months planning to leave him. "What's that? You'll just do it when you get back from that cruise? Why not!" - Be respectful.
See number 10. (and 1-9) - Know your body.
If you know nothing of sex, what you are doing with your body, what your likes and dislikes are, etc, etc... it's probably a bad idea to hype of the idea of sex to your future spouse. In fact, a better idea would be to tell them that you don't know your urethra from your fingernail, and you need help doing number 2's. At least that way they are confused and no longer think about the topic of sex. - Sacrifice.
Ok - now I know this is a topic that can sometimes get iffy. But if your spouse has agreed to spend every weekend at your brother's house, learn sign language for your deaf niece so he can communicate with the family, doesn't call his mother as much because it makes you feel self conscious, even though your relationship with yours has gotten more awkward, close knit and closed off (Oh she wants you to get a divorce? That makes sense, because it worked so well for her...), has strained his relationship with his family to make you happy, as well as stopped playing the musical instruments that are dear to his soul because repetition makes you uncomfortable, then it is probably safe to say they are contributing a fair amount of sacrifice, and it wouldn't hurt to meet an occasional request of theirs, such as for some personal space to pursue the interests that made you both become interested in one another in the first place. - Don't take advantage of your significant other's family.
As mentioned above (See number 5), it is probably best not to take advantage of your spouse's family. If you know you are going to get a divorce, 5 months in advance, it is probably a bad idea to agree to go on a 3 week all expense paid Mediterranean cruise with them, and then break it off with their son the week after, which happens to also coincide with Christmas. While the spouse may be appreciative at your attempt to guilt and shame them for all the supposed wrongs they committed in the relationship, by leaving the Christmas present you got them unwrapped under the tree, or leaving the only ornaments you have as a couple up in plain view, it is usually a frowned upon practice. Saying in writing that divorce is not an option, and going to a couples retreat, and months of counseling is a good step in not taking advantage of both your spouse or your spouse's family's mental energy, it is again usually frowned upon to do so without the intent of ever taking any of it to heart. - Don't bring your spouse's faith, or ability to parent a child into question because of your own insecurities with your father, who in all fairness was probably relieved to be detached from your psychotic, narcissistic, egotistical, godless, hypocritical, desperate, clingy, diseased, mentally challenged backwoods excuse for a mother who probably gave you the bizarre incestuous-by-all-outward-appearances relationship with your brother. A'hem.
See number 10.
In conclusion I hope this was a very insightful peek into what can happen when your nagging, prudish, bi-polar, special needs, whiny bitch of a wife decides she wants to enter into a relationship with you, and then very abruptly cut it off. Pay attention to those red flags kids.
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